The kids are asleep, Alex had a class out, the Hanukkah candles are flickering in the window, and I’m sitting on the living room couch feeling nostalgic. I’ve done so much growing up in this house (Grandma J’s) and today I’m 24! To most people I’m still a baby but I feel like an old soul. I have been privileged to do and experience so much in a short amount of time.
The last few years have been difficult for me. Transitioning from a couple to a family. Finding a new identity as a mother. Missing my family. Longing for community. Watching my aunt and grandmother fight cancer. Losing Grandma Joyce. Dealing with PCOS. Struggling with my purpose. Trying to find joy and peace where I am.
But then there are powerful moments… the ones where you just sense G-d’s presence and know you are doing ok and everything is going to be all right.
I just had one of those. 😀
I had the opportunity to put Ori to sleep tonight. I looked into her big glistening eyes and got all mushy. I told her how much I love her, she is beautiful, I am proud of her, and that I will always be there for her. She said, “Ok mama. I love you too.”
Then it hit me..
My life up to this point has been filled with so many blessings. It should be abundantly clear to me that G-d loves me; that He thinks I’m beautiful, He is proud of me, and that He will always be there. My default should be…“Ok G-d. I trust you. I love you too!”
I’ve been stuck in a “woe is me” rut for awhile. It’s time to get out.
You can’t give what you don’t have. If I am not filled with G-d’s love how am I supposed to pour it out on my kids, my husband, my family, and my friends? I can’t.
I pray that over the course of the next year, my immediate response no matter what life’s challenges are, would be to know… REALLY KNOW… that G-d loves me!
I want to spend the next year of my life judging less (mostly myself) and loving more (everyone).
I want to become a person who exudes love for people, Torah, and Hashem.
L’chaim. To Life. To love.